My birthday was on Monday. I turned 33. Some people asked, "so how are you feeling about turning 33." Or "Are you where you thought you'd be." Sometimes it's about goals, sometimes it's about the current mud that seems to be surrounding us and sometimes life feels so good and celebratory. Or, that it's just another day. I feel like the only adult birthday I had that felt really altering was about five months before I turned 30. I can't say it was due to the number that my id would reflect or the physical exposures that were beginning to transform but more to do with the idea that I'd officially been in adulthood for over ten years and life felt really off kilter. For instance, nothing seemed like it was what it should've been or would've been.
I remember sitting on the third cushion of my roommate's beautiful cream linen couch, nearest the North facing window of our apartment. It was at the end of the day and that really beautiful dark twilight sky was only interrupted by the building tops. I had walked across the creaky floor of our living room to sit down with my cup of hot tea and candles lit in the quiet. No music. No T.V. No one home. Just to think. New York had so many noisy, activity-filled moments but it also offered up the eeriest of quiets. There's nothing like being in a city filled with more people than anywhere else in America and finding the silence. Sitting in it. It pours into your soul. It draws you in. It calls you to depth. So here I sit, 29 and life looks messy. Guys- I made some choices.
I really loved a lot about that piece of my story, that time in my life. But, I wanted to come home to someone, every night. I wanted to live in a home with my own furniture again. I wanted to have a family. I wanted to know that for the rest of my life I could have my person. The one to lean into, the one to cry with, the one to go through the hard stuff with and celebrate the good stuff with. I knew it was time to prepare. I rolled into my 20's assuming that I'd be married in the next 3 years, with children on the horizon. making six figures by my mid 20's I'd be making six figures but nearing the end of my career days and that by my late 20's I wouldn't be working at all. I would be done with making the babies, live in suburbia and be nearby immediate family. WHAT?! Spoiler alert: life rarely goes as we plan. But does anyone suggest for us to make TWO plans? Then remind us to still be flexible for what may turn in to 4, 6, or 8. I didn't want to be stuck in this same quandary again at 39 so I jotted down two potential plots. One was that I'm still single, still working h a r d, lugging my groceries + preparing my food, being back in my own place, still texting with different people to fill the gap and drinking fine wine on fun dates. The second option, it looked like packing up my stuff, heading back to somewhere familiar and be intentional with my thoughts, my actions, and my movements to near finding a person who I could love and adore and do life with. Welcome to 30.
I guess when people ask me about my thoughts around 33, I'm just so thankful that while it's not always easy, I have my person. And we made a little person. And we love one another when it's hard and when it's easy. We celebrate life together and mourn loss together. We hold one another up and sometimes that comes after we've torn one another down but you know what as the number changes with the years I'm not finding myself caught up in the questions around birthdays as much. It's good to age. And it's good to make new goals. But aging is often dreaded and it's actually the best thing that happens to me. I have so long to go in the evolution of who I am and making changes in things passed down from family or that I've picked up along the way... but I love the challenge of it. So to 33... Cheers babe. Can't wait to see what you offer up. xx-km